he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
