She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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