Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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