dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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