Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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