"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
