Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
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There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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