Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
