She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
