Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Randomize
