did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
