After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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