I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
