If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
