glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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