You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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