On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
