I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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