I didn't shave. On purpose
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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