You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
