This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
