You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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