So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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