bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
