i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize