now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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