I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
