$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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