I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
