So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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