My Higher Power is John Stamos
I looked at my own cervix.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
