Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
