i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
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I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
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Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down