I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
