i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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