Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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