Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
