a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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