I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
