He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
