...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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