you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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