the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
