Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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