I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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