How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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