It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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