thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
