if i can run in heels then i can drive
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i believe in u and ur pee
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