new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
