The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
