so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
