yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
