just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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