ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You pole danced in your parka.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
