fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
