Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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